Difficult Conversations about Addiction: How to talk to loved one about their substance use

You want to support your struggling loved one, but watching them continuously mess up their drinking or drug use is understandably aggravating. It’s hard to watch your loved one suffer, and it affects you too!

You’ve tried to get through to them. You’ve probably brought it up, sent them articles about why they should stop or tone it down, recommended support meetings, etc… but each effort was met with resistance.

How to talk to a loved one about their substance use

Talking to a loved one about their drinking or their drug use can be challenging. As a harm reduction and couples therapist in Oakland CA, here are some strategies I often recommend to help facilitate this difficult conversation.

Pick the right time

Such a difficult and delicate subject should be brought up when your loved one is in a space where they can hear and take in your concerns. While it can be tempting to bring up concerns in the heat of an argument, or in the moment when they are using that substance or had one drink too many, this is not the best time to have this difficult conversation. It can be helpful to plan and set aside time when you know they will be open and willing to hear you out.

Watch your tone and frustration levels

When talking to your loved one about their drug or alcohol use, it’s important to check your own emotions in the process. Are you angry? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Take a moment before engaging in the conversation to calm your nervous system. Coming from a compassionate, open, and curious place will be much more effective in helping your partner hear your concerns. It’s important to communicate to your loved one that you are concerned and care about them- and that compassion should be evident in your tone and body language with your loved one.

Lose the agenda- don’t push!

While some interventionists might suggest coming prepared with a list of treatment facilities or meetings that you want your partner to attend, this may have the opposite effect on your partner than you are looking for. Most people tend to have an oppositional stance when being told what to do. It’s more helpful to approach your loved one from a place of curiosity-

Try asking- “what can we do together to best support you?” instead.

Collaborate together on strategies that might help

Your loved one is the expert on themselves. For your loved one to be on board with the changes they are going to make, it’s important that they are involved in drafting the plan to get there.

Maybe they are not ready for a full treatment program or group, but they are willing to try limiting their intake or make changes to use drugs more safely. Perhaps they are willing to try counting their drinks but are not open to total sobriety at this moment. Maybe they are open to trying out individual therapy with a harm reduction therapist but aren’t into group settings.

Get curious about what changes they are open to and willing to try out. Often with big changes (such as sobriety or abstinence from a particular drug), there are little changes that come first to make room for that big change. It’s important to be supportive of where your loved one is at in this process of change.

Remember that you can’t change your loved one’s behavior- only they can.

You can be supportive, but they have to make the change.