Holiday Survival Guide For the Estranged
Not feeling so Merry and Bright this time of year? You’re not alone! Research suggests nearly 20% of Americans have experienced estrangement from their parents or caregivers at some point in their lives.
For many, the holiday season conjures up images of happy families sitting by the fire, sharing meals together, and just seeming oh-so-happy together.
From social media to well-meaning friends, colleagues, or loved ones- witnessing holiday celebrations centered around family are pretty much inescapable.
For those living without family or dealing with strained family relationships during the holidays, this time of year can bring up difficult emotions.
Holiday Survival Tips
As a trauma recovery specialist and licensed therapist in Oakland, CA, I often hear common reactions from clients around the holiday season. Sadness, grief, and overwhelm are all perfectly normal reactions to the holiday fanfare of family togetherness when you are creating distance or working on healing from an unhealthy family relationship.
Whether you are estranged from your family or working through challenging family dynamics that necessitate space during this holiday season, here are a few tips to support you during this difficult time of year.
Remind yourself of your why
If you made the decision to set a boundary or create space from an unhealthy or strained family relationship, it’s important to offer yourself reassurance and validation. You are not bad or wrong for making this difficult decision to protect your peace.
Typically, when it gets to the point of estrangement, there is good reason to necessitate that space! It might be a repeated boundary violation, continued invalidation or verbal put-downs, or some other conflict that you’ve been unable to resolve. It can be helpful to remind yourself of your “why” when difficult feelings come up. Trust yourself, you made the right decision to take care of yourself.
Reach out to your support network
It can be tempting to isolate and pull away when going through challenging emotions, but resisting this urge and reaching out to your support network can really help. Reaching out to a friend or loved one for support helps to remind you that you are loved, and cared for.
Sharing a bit about your experience with people you trust might help you discover others who are also struggling with difficult family dynamics. You might be surprised to learn that many individuals have conflicts with their families during the holidays. You are not alone!
Have a plan for awkward moments
Alas, awkward moments involving the subject of family are inevitable around the holidays. It can be helpful to think about what you want to share before being at an event where the topic will likely come up (ie dinner with a friend or a partner’s parents, or the dreaded question “are you going home for the holidays?”).
If you are having a day that feels particularly difficult or tender and going to a social gathering, it can be helpful to have a plan to take care of yourself (should you need it). That could be having your car at the event so you have the option to leave early or having a trusted friend you can connect with for support. Having an excuse ready when you need to escape an uncomfortable moment can give you peace of mind and confidence going into a social situation that may prove difficult.
Be mindful of what types of media you consume
Movies, radio, social media, and other types of media often portray an over-glamorized version of the holidays unlikely to include the difficult or less pretty aspects of a person’s life. It’s likely there’s a lot happening behind the scenes in that picture of a perfect family gathering.
If you are noticing discomfort with media around the holidays, it’s helpful to take a break. Deleting that app, snoozing that person blasting family pics for 30 days, and limiting family-centered holiday-themed movies can be helpful strategies for easing difficult emotions that come up during the holidays.
Identify coping skills to use when difficult emotions come up
It can be helpful to write down a list of 2-3 coping skills you can use when difficult emotions arise. When you are in the moment and experiencing a difficult emotion, it can be really challenging to engage your brain to come up with a plan to take care of yourself. Putting together a list when you are calm and not experiencing a difficult emotion can help you be well-prepared when you need to use a coping skill to self-regulate.
Some helpful coping skills might include: going for a brisk walk outside, splashing cold water on your face or rubbing an ice cube on your forehead, calling a safe person, noticing 3 things you can see and 2 things you can hear in the present moment, drinking a glass of ice water, listening to music, or journaling. If you need guidance learning about which coping skills are best for you, working with a mental health professional might help!
Get support from a therapist
If you already have a therapist- great! Your therapist can help you make a plan for difficult emotions, learn about and practice helpful coping skills, and offer support when things seem difficult. They can also support you in working through and processing unhealthy family relationships so that emotions related to family feel more manageable.
If you do not have a therapist, this might be the right time to look for one. If you are looking for a therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, here are some helpful tips and tricks. Starting therapy in the new year can help you prepare for the next holiday season.
Make new rituals of belonging
If you are living without family or giving your family space during the holidays, it can be helpful to start new rituals that help you feel joyous, loved, and cared for. This might be spending the holidays with a close friend or a family member that you feel safe with, spending the holiday volunteering or giving back, or some other meaningful activity that brings you joy. Having a plan for activities that help you feel that you belong and are loved can help make new, positive meaning out of the holiday season.
